All right guys, here we go. I will attempt to write about how I feel with the awful week stretching out behind us, but every time I do, I think of the eternity of loneliness 26 families will face without their loved ones.
Saying that I am sad and angry seems trivial compared to the trauma that the Sandy Hook families have endured. I keep bouncing back and forth between feeling grateful for my children's safety, and then in the next moment feeling guilty for their safety. And, then feeling absolutely horrified that I would ever feel like I shouldn't be happy my children are safe.
My husband and I had decided we didn't want to tell our children about the massacre. We didn't want them to have to carry that emotional burden. Our Kittens are 9, 7, and 6. We were mainly concerned that our 6 year old wouldn't understand that even though the bad guy hurt many people, that she was in fact safe. But just like anything else in parenting, you can plan out all the details, and then guess what? Life happens. My older kittens found out, and told our younger kitten that they couldn't tell her the "Secret." Of course K had to know what the secret was. So, I shifted parenting gears and cuddled up on a bed and told her this awful, sad, secret. I told her that a bad man did the most terrible thing you can do. I told her what he did and where, and that this man did the same thing to himself, and that he is gone and can not hurt anyone else.
But that is kind of a lie isn't it? He has hurt everyone. His actions haunt me every day. When I see my children cuddled up together, it is so sweet it breaks my heart. My heart aches for those parents that will not know that sweetness any more. On the other hand, when my children have pushed me to the absolute limit, and I lose my shit...I feel awful that I just yelled at one of my kittens. Knowing that 20 sets of parents would give anything to be pushed to the limit of their sanity by their children that are gone. So I am bouncing around in this emotional wasteland. Back and forth, Joy, Guilt, Anger, Sadness, Relief.
Yesterday was our first real day of Christmas break. It was our first day of jammies till 8:30, and slow breakfasts eaten one by one as each of my kittens likes to start their day at a different time (much to my annoyance and dismay). I went for my solitary run in the cold air, and then rushed home to get ready for a playdate with my favorite friend and her awesome boys. They came to the house at 10:30 and stayed till 4:00. It was the longest playdate in my parenting history! But, it was just what the doctor ordered. The kids ran and played and were loud and argued and laughed and asked for way too many sweets (which we gave them so we could have five more minutes of peace). They played outside and inside, and ate grilled cheese and tomato soup (mainly cause I had no other food in the house). And while they were doing that my wonderful friend lightened my load, the awful secret is no more. We laughed and talked, and cried a little too, but for a 6 hour period on a Tuesday my heart wasn't sad and low.
So to my beautiful friend and her beautiful boys, thank you for waking me up to the beautiful life that is still here.
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