All right guys, here we go. I will attempt to write about how I feel with the awful week stretching out behind us, but every time I do, I think of the eternity of loneliness 26 families will face without their loved ones.
Saying that I am sad and angry seems trivial compared to the trauma that the Sandy Hook families have endured. I keep bouncing back and forth between feeling grateful for my children's safety, and then in the next moment feeling guilty for their safety. And, then feeling absolutely horrified that I would ever feel like I shouldn't be happy my children are safe.
My husband and I had decided we didn't want to tell our children about the massacre. We didn't want them to have to carry that emotional burden. Our Kittens are 9, 7, and 6. We were mainly concerned that our 6 year old wouldn't understand that even though the bad guy hurt many people, that she was in fact safe. But just like anything else in parenting, you can plan out all the details, and then guess what? Life happens. My older kittens found out, and told our younger kitten that they couldn't tell her the "Secret." Of course K had to know what the secret was. So, I shifted parenting gears and cuddled up on a bed and told her this awful, sad, secret. I told her that a bad man did the most terrible thing you can do. I told her what he did and where, and that this man did the same thing to himself, and that he is gone and can not hurt anyone else.
But that is kind of a lie isn't it? He has hurt everyone. His actions haunt me every day. When I see my children cuddled up together, it is so sweet it breaks my heart. My heart aches for those parents that will not know that sweetness any more. On the other hand, when my children have pushed me to the absolute limit, and I lose my shit...I feel awful that I just yelled at one of my kittens. Knowing that 20 sets of parents would give anything to be pushed to the limit of their sanity by their children that are gone. So I am bouncing around in this emotional wasteland. Back and forth, Joy, Guilt, Anger, Sadness, Relief.
Yesterday was our first real day of Christmas break. It was our first day of jammies till 8:30, and slow breakfasts eaten one by one as each of my kittens likes to start their day at a different time (much to my annoyance and dismay). I went for my solitary run in the cold air, and then rushed home to get ready for a playdate with my favorite friend and her awesome boys. They came to the house at 10:30 and stayed till 4:00. It was the longest playdate in my parenting history! But, it was just what the doctor ordered. The kids ran and played and were loud and argued and laughed and asked for way too many sweets (which we gave them so we could have five more minutes of peace). They played outside and inside, and ate grilled cheese and tomato soup (mainly cause I had no other food in the house). And while they were doing that my wonderful friend lightened my load, the awful secret is no more. We laughed and talked, and cried a little too, but for a 6 hour period on a Tuesday my heart wasn't sad and low.
So to my beautiful friend and her beautiful boys, thank you for waking me up to the beautiful life that is still here.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Angels among us
Hello my dearies!
It is that time of year, when I try so hard to make wonderful memories with my children. I try to each day infuse a little bit of joy and magic into their day. It usually ends up with me screaming at them to hurry up and do whatever it is I am trying to do with them (decorate the tree, make cookies, make an ornament) while at the same time not make a mess that I will have to clean up later. This leads to me feeling like a horrible sham of a mom, and my husband trying to convince me later, that all moms do this, but I know the truth...it's just me and my crazy brain...whatever though, this is me, and I am good with it. Sorry kids, but therapy will help later.
Here is some great news though! A few weeks ago, I was reading my most favorite blog Momastery. They unveiled their new Holiday Helping Hands through their non-profit Monkee See Monkee Do. The idea behind it is very simple. If you have a need, you post it, and then someone that is able to give can fill that need. Times are hard, you know what I mean? We struggle sometimes with bills, but so does most everyone I know. However, one of my neighbors really struggles. It is hard to see that need and not be able to do anything to make it better. So, as I was reading Momastery, I thought to my self "Self, we can do something, we can tell my neighbors story, and put her need out there, and maybe, just maybe someone will fill that need." So, I typed up her need, and then deleted it, and then typed it up again, and then deleted it again, and on and on. Until I finally just hit send and said a prayer. I prayed that my neighbor wouldn't hate me, that someone would want to help, and that I wouldn't be taking away from anyone else's need.
God was listening. 45 minutes after I hit send, my email starting dinging. 45 minutes later. 45 MINUTES LATER!!!!! Can you hear me jumping and crying and laughing? Because that is what was happening in my living room while my children slept and my husband was working late. The dogs thought I had finally slipped into a full mental breakdown. But it was pure joy, and awe.
3 Angels answered my prayer that evening. One offered to send a $500 check, one offered to send a gift, and one offered financial support in the spring when she gets her yearly bonus. 3 women, 3 angels, taking care of a stranger, no questions asked, no judgement, just love and acceptance. That right there folks is a miracle, it is God's work, it is LOVE IN ACTION!!! A few days ago, I was able to hand my neighbor $500 cash. I was worried that she would be angry. Instead she was just stunned, and happy and in total disbelief. That right there is another miracle, it is God's work, it is LOVE IN ACTION.
Sometimes God says "Pay attention, I am right here with you, among you. Everyday." Guess what guys? He totally is. All of these women, my neighbor included gave me the best gift I could ask for during this Christmas season. I got to see the face of God. It was in those emails from those women at 12:15 on a Wednesday night, it was on my neighbors face as I placed that money in her hand, and it was dancing in my living room with me as my children slept.
So, I send up one other prayer...as I scream my way through the holidays, while I rush around to concerts, performances, practices, and class parties, I pray that I remember that even in those moments there are angels among us. :)
It is that time of year, when I try so hard to make wonderful memories with my children. I try to each day infuse a little bit of joy and magic into their day. It usually ends up with me screaming at them to hurry up and do whatever it is I am trying to do with them (decorate the tree, make cookies, make an ornament) while at the same time not make a mess that I will have to clean up later. This leads to me feeling like a horrible sham of a mom, and my husband trying to convince me later, that all moms do this, but I know the truth...it's just me and my crazy brain...whatever though, this is me, and I am good with it. Sorry kids, but therapy will help later.
Here is some great news though! A few weeks ago, I was reading my most favorite blog Momastery. They unveiled their new Holiday Helping Hands through their non-profit Monkee See Monkee Do. The idea behind it is very simple. If you have a need, you post it, and then someone that is able to give can fill that need. Times are hard, you know what I mean? We struggle sometimes with bills, but so does most everyone I know. However, one of my neighbors really struggles. It is hard to see that need and not be able to do anything to make it better. So, as I was reading Momastery, I thought to my self "Self, we can do something, we can tell my neighbors story, and put her need out there, and maybe, just maybe someone will fill that need." So, I typed up her need, and then deleted it, and then typed it up again, and then deleted it again, and on and on. Until I finally just hit send and said a prayer. I prayed that my neighbor wouldn't hate me, that someone would want to help, and that I wouldn't be taking away from anyone else's need.
God was listening. 45 minutes after I hit send, my email starting dinging. 45 minutes later. 45 MINUTES LATER!!!!! Can you hear me jumping and crying and laughing? Because that is what was happening in my living room while my children slept and my husband was working late. The dogs thought I had finally slipped into a full mental breakdown. But it was pure joy, and awe.
3 Angels answered my prayer that evening. One offered to send a $500 check, one offered to send a gift, and one offered financial support in the spring when she gets her yearly bonus. 3 women, 3 angels, taking care of a stranger, no questions asked, no judgement, just love and acceptance. That right there folks is a miracle, it is God's work, it is LOVE IN ACTION!!! A few days ago, I was able to hand my neighbor $500 cash. I was worried that she would be angry. Instead she was just stunned, and happy and in total disbelief. That right there is another miracle, it is God's work, it is LOVE IN ACTION.
Sometimes God says "Pay attention, I am right here with you, among you. Everyday." Guess what guys? He totally is. All of these women, my neighbor included gave me the best gift I could ask for during this Christmas season. I got to see the face of God. It was in those emails from those women at 12:15 on a Wednesday night, it was on my neighbors face as I placed that money in her hand, and it was dancing in my living room with me as my children slept.
So, I send up one other prayer...as I scream my way through the holidays, while I rush around to concerts, performances, practices, and class parties, I pray that I remember that even in those moments there are angels among us. :)
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